from Chapter Two:
Portrait Of A Miscreant
"...On one occasion – there were several – when I found myself staring up into the mournful eyes of the Son of God, I had to pee. I have a medically-certified weak bladder. I was provided a note from a Board Certified member of the Urological Sciences after a series of seriously embarrassing tests involving an indeterminate length of hose and gallons of water. Said note was filed and forgotten as soon as it left my Mother’s hand. Straying from the path before lunch and getting caught was an unfortunate miscalculation. Lunch was our proscribed, pre-ordained, tolerated and permitted bathroom time. Anything else was covered by one of the seven deadly sins (Hubris and Sloth were probably inscribed on my permanent record) promising a discussion with the Mother Superior. Knowing that I could not leave the circle without permission – which might not be granted in any case – I kept to my post casually shifting my weight from one foot to the other, doing the pee-pee dance while I desperately prayed for salvation. Salvation was not forthcoming. I voided before the statue that greeted parents and bishops.
The urge to urinate is sort of like having an itch and trying not to scratch. As soon as I knew I had to go, my whole body began working against me. My casual soft shoe quickly became vigorous. I began bouncing from one foot to another – always keeping within the circle – at an increasingly frantic pace. I could not have moved faster had the nuns placed hot coals under my feet. To protect the bibles, I crossed my arms tightly clasping the awkward, unbalanced tomes to my chest. I began to pray...
ADDITIONAL EXCERPTS:
"I chose Lasagna as the pasta dish; it has always been a personal favorite of mine; why shouldn’t I have what I want? On the same theme, I decided to make Zuppa di Pesce. My grandfather had a thing about soup and pasta in one meal but, I guess, I added a so what to the menu. It was my Last Supper..."
"The Man in the Black SUV is just some guy sitting in his car sipping a cup of hot coffee. Just some guy enjoying the morning. A Clementi symphony flows from his Bose sound system; his hand conducts the music through the open car window. The rest of the windows are closed; the tint provides just enough cover. No one notices the .44 caliber Bulldog sitting on the passenger seat..."
"Immediate, conflicting emotions battle for my attention. Who is he? What is he like? Young? Thin? Muscular? Will she leave me? Strangely this thought isn't followed by over-the-moon joy. The percolator is warming up..."
The urge to urinate is sort of like having an itch and trying not to scratch. As soon as I knew I had to go, my whole body began working against me. My casual soft shoe quickly became vigorous. I began bouncing from one foot to another – always keeping within the circle – at an increasingly frantic pace. I could not have moved faster had the nuns placed hot coals under my feet. To protect the bibles, I crossed my arms tightly clasping the awkward, unbalanced tomes to my chest. I began to pray...
ADDITIONAL EXCERPTS:
"I chose Lasagna as the pasta dish; it has always been a personal favorite of mine; why shouldn’t I have what I want? On the same theme, I decided to make Zuppa di Pesce. My grandfather had a thing about soup and pasta in one meal but, I guess, I added a so what to the menu. It was my Last Supper..."
"The Man in the Black SUV is just some guy sitting in his car sipping a cup of hot coffee. Just some guy enjoying the morning. A Clementi symphony flows from his Bose sound system; his hand conducts the music through the open car window. The rest of the windows are closed; the tint provides just enough cover. No one notices the .44 caliber Bulldog sitting on the passenger seat..."
"Immediate, conflicting emotions battle for my attention. Who is he? What is he like? Young? Thin? Muscular? Will she leave me? Strangely this thought isn't followed by over-the-moon joy. The percolator is warming up..."